If It Kills Me
by Eccentric11
Summary: a songfic of Jason Mraz's song about Severus Snape's undying love for Lily Evans. Love doesn't have to be mutual to exist, but for some cases, at one point there's this connection, and sometimes that connection never left.


**DISCLAIMER: The song was sung by Jason Mraz, and in no way mine.**

**I was watching videos from so you think you can dance the other day and came across a choreography for this song. I started listening to it again. There's something about it and I just had to write a fic.**

**mm second time I make one of these songfics. enjoy! :D**

**note: the little drabbles are not chronological**

**beta: Principi Phantasia/Pris! :D**

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><p>"If It Kills Me"<p>

_Hello, tell me you know_

_Yeah, you figured me out_

_Something gave it away_

_It would be such a beautiful moment_

_To see the look on your face_

_To know that I know that you know now_

"I-" It's like my words are drowned in a sea of endlessness.

"What's wrong?"

I gulped.

"Are you sick?" She touched my forehead with the back of her hand. "You're head is burning."

But I saw her flash a knowing look at me. She know how I feel. She feels it too. I know it. Deep inside, she feels it too.

_And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking_

_You know nothing_

_Well you and I_

_Why, we go carrying on for hours on end_

_We get along much better_

_Than you and your boyfriend_

"You know what, let's trade chocolate frog cards." Just a typical day near the end of the year, trading chocolate frog cards.

"But what I don't have, you don't have either." I laughed.

"Well you have some cards I don't have." She giggled and took out her stack of chocolate frog cards.

"You can have my Dumbledore card if you want."

"Aww come on, I have 10 Dumbledore's!" I smiled at her, trying to hide the longing in my eyes.

"Evans." James beamed while leaning against a tree. "Snape." He sneered at me.

"Bugger off, James." She looked annoyed, but it wasn't enough to make me stay.

"I'll have to excuse myself."

_How long, can I go on like this,_

_Wishing to kiss you,_

_Before I rightly explode?_

"Have you ever wondered if what they say is correct?" She turned to me.

"What do you mean?"

"Well my muggle friends say that kissing someone right when the clock struck 12 at new year makes you.. I don't know… feel magical?" We paused. She then laughed. "Well we are magical, so I guess we don't need that, huh?"

I was about to actually lean and see for my own, but I pulled myself together and restrained myself from doing so.

"Yea, I guess not."

_This double life I lead isn't healthy for me_

_In fact it makes me nervous_

_If I get caught I could be risking it all_

"Severus, do you have anything to say?" He hissed right near my ear. "Perhaps… something even better than last time?" Everyone else cheered. I would have something to say if only it could undo the last thing I said. I would say anything, do anything, if I could only take back my words. But there's a reason words cannot be taken back once spoken; they like to see people like me, who underestimate their power to suffer and learn our lesson. I'm the reason he might have to kill my only reason to live. I would do anything to protect her now. But I couldn't turn to Voldemort for that..He would finish her off anyway, and- and- Dumbledore. If I should speak to anyone, it's Dumbledore. He would know what to do, he would be able to help her.

_Cause maybe there's a lot that I miss_

_In case I'm wrong_

I did wrong. Why? I've missed a big part of your life, by having to just watch you from a distance, and now I'll have to lose you forever.

_If I should be so bold_

_I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand_

_I'd tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man_

_But I never said a word_

_I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again_

"Hi." She said it so quickly and softly one could mistaken it as a sigh.

The edge of my lips formed a smile, but just barely.

"I know we have very different views of things, and even though we haven't talked for years now, I would like it if you come to my wedding." She handed me her wedding invitation, and it felt so cold in my hand. Maybe it was because it had been exposed to the bad weather for so long, maybe it was something much more. "Or at least I'd want you to know." She smiled.

I wanted to hold her in my arms and never let go; never letting her marry that stupid Potter boy.

Instead I gave her back the invitation, and held on to her hand for a few more seconds, giving myself a chance to linger in the moment that I know will be forever printed in my mind, being something I'll regret. I chose to tell her I don't want to be a part of her life anymore, when all I want to be is everything her life is about. I repeated the same mistake. I should've learned not to hurt her, after what happened in our fifth year. But I'm stubborn, so I didn't learn anything.

I nodded, and walked away slowly feeling the warmth of tears rolling down my cheeks.

_All I really wanna do is love you_

_A kind much closer than friends use_

_But I still can't say it after all we've been through_

_And all I really want from you is to feel me_

_As the feeling inside keeps building_

_And I will find a way to you if it kills me_

_If it kills me_

_If it kills me_

_I think it might kill me_

I knew this would happen. Voldemort would sooner or later realize that in order to gain full power over of the Elder Wand, he'd have to kill me first. Or so he thought. But who he must actually kill to be the true master of the Elder Wand won't change anything. He'll kill me, for sure. He never took into account what someone did before he kills them. He values more the benefit of the death instead, either for actual reasons or pure satisfaction. I'm not afraid to die, but I'm afraid of what I'll leave behind when I die- Hogwarts in ruins, Lily's son clueless, and Voldemort still alive.

Harry will figure his way out, he's smart just like his mother. He has his friends. All I have to do is tell him something. Other than that, I'm ready to die. I've caused enough pain to enough people

If I die, at least, no- not at least, if I die, I'll get to meet her again.

Maybe, maybe we'll have a chance.

Maybe, she'll forgive me for the second time.

I love her.

Maybe now, she'll love me back.


End file.
